My Friend With Stage IV Cancer Is Dating a ‘Scammer’—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek,

My friend has stage 4 bowel cancer. She is in love with a guy who is serving in the military in Yemen. She and this guy have been in a relationship for five years via WhatsApp. They have never met and she has built a strong bond with him. My problem is after investigating her boyfriend, I have discovered that he is a well-known scammer. She won’t listen to or believe anyone. I have evidence that he’s a complete fraud, but I don’t want to bring any more pain or suffering to her by revealing the truth about him. What should I do?”

Roxanne in Sydney, Australia

‘This Relationship May Be an Escape From Reality’

Tara Lally is a supervising psychologist at Hackensack Meridian Health in New Jersey who specializes in relationships. She is a faculty member of the department of psychiatry at the Ocean University Medical Center and is an assistant professor in the department of psychiatry and behavioral health at the Hackensack School of Medicine.

I’m curious what made you search the internet to discover this scam. Have your suspicions been present during their entire five-year relationship? Have you attempted to communicate your concern before? You stated that your friend won’t listen to or believe anyone about this scam, so have others tried to share this information with her? Are there aspects of this relationship that make you want to protect your friend?

This relationship, fantastical or not, may be providing the friend with a distraction from her own health issues at this time. For some individuals during times of high stress and life transitions, such as a profound medical diagnosis, their behavior may be uncharacteristic to some. The engagement in this relationship may be an escape from reality that your friend needs for both comfort and distraction.

Are you concerned that your friend is being taken advantage of? If the friend is providing monetary support for the scamming boyfriend, it may be wise to share your opinion of the importance of sound financial decisions during this time. How can her monetary support be used for her own needs during her illness and recovery? Based on your history with your friend, has she made these types of poor relationship choices in the past? Is there a way to draw parallels between prior relationships and this current one wherein you highlight what she has shared she wanted in the past?

Rather than suggest or state that this relationship is a scam, perhaps highlight how the friend deserves attention and affection from her partner especially during her diagnosis and treatment. Ultimately, is the friend receiving what she wants and needs in this relationship? If the friend believes so, this may be a reason to back off as confronting this may be seen as opinion and create conflict within this friendship.

Be ‘Patient, Understanding and Supportive’

Rachel Marmor is a licensed mental health counselor (LMHC) based in South Florida, specializing in supporting clients through anxiety, family conflicts and depression. She is also the chief wellness officer at the PAIRS Foundation and the national training director for the Purpose Built Families Foundation.

It’s really tough to see someone you care about being deceived, especially when your friend is dealing with such a serious illness. It’s clear that you want to protect her from more pain, and that shows how much you care.

Given your friend’s situation, the relationship might be providing her with emotional support, hope, and maybe even a distraction from her illness. She’s formed a strong connection with him, and even though it’s based on a lie, it’s likely giving her comfort. It’s important to understand that this relationship might feel like a lifeline to her right now.

Rather than confronting her with the truth right away, which could cause her a lot of pain, you might want to take a gentler approach. Try having conversations that make her think more about the situation without making her feel attacked. For example, you could ask her, “Have you ever thought about what it would be like to meet him in person?” or “What do you think the future looks like with him?” These kinds of questions can help her start to see the situation more clearly on her own.

If she’s not ready to question the relationship, the best thing you can do is offer her your support. Let her know that you care about her happiness and well-being no matter what. Sometimes, people need time to come to terms with difficult realities, and your support will help her when she’s ready to face the truth.

It’s also important to take care of yourself during this time. You might want to talk to a counselor or therapist who can help you manage your own feelings and give you advice on how to best support your friend.

By being patient, understanding, and supportive, you can help your friend without adding to her pain, and be there for her when she needs you most.