Why Bride-to-Be Doesn’t Want Her 29-Year-Old Male Cousin at Wedding Backed

A woman has been backed online for not wanting a developmentally disabled family member at her upcoming wedding.

The woman, 26, who didn’t give her name, but writes to Reddit under the username JumpyThrowRA, told the AITAH [Am I The A*****e] sub she was preparing to wed her fiance, whose name she gave as Liam, but was facing anger from her family for not wanting to invite her cousin.

Her cousin, whose name she gave as Tom, 29, has the “intellectual capacity of about a 7-year-old,” she wrote, and while she had always tried to be “understanding” with him, he has “consistently crossed physical boundaries” with her throughout her life.

She said Tom has kissed, hugged and touched her, regardless of how many times she has told him to stop. She has told her family it makes her uncomfortable, but they say Tom doesn’t understand and it’s just how he shows affection.

She explained that her cousin also does not like her fiance and says that he, Tom, is her boyfriend and will marry her. Now that she’s marrying her fiance, she doesn’t want Tom to be at the wedding — Liam supports her decision, but her family is calling her cruel and unfair.

Psychologist Caitlin Slavens of MamaPsychologists told Newsweek this is “a complex situation,” but “the bride’s feelings have been ignored and dismissed by her family for a long time.

“Even though her cousin has a developmental disability, it does not mean there should be no boundaries when it comes to clearly inappropriate behaviors. Just because Tom has different ways of expressing affection doesn’t mean she should have to tolerate uncomfortable behaviors, especially on such an important day.”

The bride wrote on Reddit: “I get that Tom can’t help certain behaviors, but I feel like my family has completely ignored my feelings in this. They always brush off my discomfort and say it’s my responsibility to manage it or that he ‘doesn’t know any better,’ but it’s my wedding, and I don’t want to be on edge the whole time.”

Slavers suggested that “if the bride’s family had listened and worked on following through with boundaries with Tom, he would have been welcome at the wedding.”

She assured the Reddit user that she is “not in the wrong for prioritizing her own needs at her wedding and she should feel able to set limits that let her fully enjoy her day.”

Reddit users also backed her completely, with one user saying her family is “full of too many excuses,” and adding: “Maybe if they all kept affirming ‘no’ to him when he kept on inappropriately touching you, it might have stuck.”

Another worried that Tom seeing the woman marrying someone else could make him “hurt and angry” during the ceremony.

Therapist Rachel Goldberg of Rachel Goldberg Therapy echoed these sentiments, telling Newsweek: “Individuals with cognitive limitations can still learn appropriate behavior, even if it may take more time and effort, and occasional mistakes may occur.

“This particular behavior doesn’t appear to be an isolated incident, but rather something that may have been inadvertently enabled within the family,” she said, adding if there is “a risk of this occurring at the wedding … it’s reasonable to prioritize the comfort and safety of everyone involved by making the difficult decision to set boundaries.

“It’s ultimately the responsibility of caretakers and family members to guide, model and teach appropriate behavior. This includes understanding that physical contact without consent is unacceptable.”

Newsweek contacted JumpyThrowRA on Reddit for comment on this story. We could not independently verify the details of this case.

If you have a similar family dilemma, send an email to life@newsweek.com with your first name and general location. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.